What is a Bottom Bracer? A Bottom Bracer is a paddler who has an abiding faith that (s)he can use the river bottom to right him/herself. Bottom Bracing is a time-honored technique of the marginal paddler, like the Dynamic Upstream Brace, the Hyperventilating Air Brace, the Catatonic Stupor-Drift, and the Wide-Eyed Paddle Flail. Bottom Bracing as a recovery technique is described in the fine periodical, American Whitewater, 5-6/99, page 59. A big Shake of The Stringy Tail to Andrew Zimet!  The Bottom Bracers’ Credo: 1. The river bottom is my friend. It shall right me in times of sudden upset. 2. Deep rivers are frightening. Bottom Bracers is an international movement. We boast members in Ohio, West Virginia, Maryland, Georgia, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, New York, Norway, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Idaho, Alaska, Alberta, and Berkshire, UK.

Q: What if I try to brace on the bottom and it’s too deep?
A: Go and buy a longer paddle, bucko. C’mon, hit me with a hard question.

Q: Can sea kayakers join Bottom Bracers?
A: All are welcome. Some might have to buy a really looong paddle.

Q: Must the Bottom-Bracer use his/her paddle to brace? Is it also okay for him/her to use his hands, or even his/her face?
A: Okay, I recognize this questioner. It’s Colins, Number 3 in the Hall-o-Shame, truly a disturbed individual with too much time on his hands. One look at him, and it’s clear that he's been Bottom-Bracing with his face for several years now. Yeah, it’s okay to use whatever implement, biological or prosthetic, to bring your sorry face back up to breathing range. Be warned, though, Mr. Droz: your paddle ain’t long enough to reach the bottom at National Falls.

Want your own cheesy Bottom Bracers emblem, similar to the one shown above? email me, and we’ll find ways to determine your worthiness.

Click here to drift aimlessly back into the Ratt Hole!